Even now? Even now.
I miss you.
It almost feels stupid to say it.
Missing someone, who chose not to have you in their life.
Missing someone who fell out of love with you.
Missing someone who’s feelings weren’t as strong as yours.
Missing someone, who would rather be alone.
But that is just it isn’t it?
There is no choice in this.
At least, not for me.
I can’t choose to not miss you.
I don’t have some magic switch that makes me not want to see you.
I was asked if my feelings were starting to slip away.
If it was getting easier because they must be fading.
The answer is yes.
It is getting easier.
The waves are smaller.
The pain, less sharp and lethal.
But not due to loss of feelings for you,
But rather, loss of feeling. Feeling numb.
The memories, both happy and tough,
They still hit me.
Though now it feels more like a sad clap on the shoulder,
Rather than a punch to the face.
I know I miss you.
I know it will take me a lot longer to get over you.
To get over “us”.
To be able to reimagine my future and not see you where I wanted you to be.
I miss you. So much.
And that is ok.
It is ok for me to feel as deeply as I do.
I know that now.
How I feel, about everything, is not my fault.
It isn’t wrong.
I am building myself up. Slowly. Steadily.
Soon I will be stable. Something I haven’t felt in years.
I know that the busier I get over the next few weeks, I will think of you less and less.
It feels stupid that the realisation of that still makes me sad.
Like I am still clinging to a memory of you.
Like I am still clinging to the memory of “us”.
I know that reality is gone. I know it isn’t coming back.
Slowly, with time. Peace will find its way back to me.
I want to take some time to myself.
Like you, I now want to be alone.
Not for the same reasons as you,
But because I think I will be better off not giving my heart out anymore.
I need to get my entire life sorted out.
I want to be ready.
And I know myself. I know that being with someone makes me want to give them my full attention.
I have too much going on to allow that to happen, even if it makes me happy.
Why am I writing this?
Why am I writing a letter of thoughts to you when I know you will never read it?
Honestly, I am not entirely sure except that it shows me how I truly feel.
You had the benefit of knowing that it was over from the moment you made that decision.
I didn’t have that luxury.
Yes, I suspected that it would be the case, but hope is both a blessing, and a curse.
I hoped, that for once, someone would choose me. Through everything. Though pain, sadness, loss and struggle.
That the love they had for me was permanent, even through the tribulations.
A silly wish to hold I suppose. But I am forever hoping that someone will have the same commitment to love as I do. Just once, I wish someone who said they loved me, would realise what that means. Love is not a constant, happy and light feeling. In times of hardship, it can be difficult. It can be bumpy. But it is a commitment to loving that person through anything, even when you don’t feel like it.
I am not blaming you. I understand feelings change. That we are all different and that people don’t think or feel the same way I do. But I still love you. I just have to do it without knowing you anymore. Without seeing you. Talking to you.
It sits in my chest like a ghost.
Like it has hollowed out a place in my heart and filled it with reticence and apathy.
A dull scrape of a blunt knife, over a new wound, simply added to the rest of the scars.
Funny thing is, even with this dull pain.
Even with all of these feelings.
I know I am a fucking strong person.
I know what I could have been for you.
What I imagine I will be for someone else at some point.
I may have times of difficulty.
Of self doubt and insecurity.
But my love is unwavering.
My commitment is undying.
And through all of that,
I know one thing:
I am a good man.
Maybe you just weren’t the right person for me. Doesn’t mean I didnt want you to be. Doesn’t mean I don’t think you could have been.
Circumstance is cruel. And so is the heart.
I still love you.
…….
Even now.