The constant
The day you lose someone,
Is not the most painful day.
At least on that day,
You have something to do.
The real pain comes when they stay gone.
When you have to stumble, blindly and numb,
Through your existence called “life”,
Missing someone who is happy without you.
See the difference between when you lose a loved one,
Compared to losing a relationship that meant EVERYTHING to you,
Is that when you lose a loved one,
They are gone, and you know that.
They didn’t choose to leave you.
When you lose a relationship that means so much to you,
You lose a little piece of yourself in the fall out.
For some it is a bigger piece than others.
For the lucky, they can offset the pain through hookups and other meaningless things.
For others, the pain subsides fairly quickly.
For me?….
Well I would say I am not so lucky.
Hookups only hurt me more.
Because I know they are a lie.
An untruth to mask how I really feel.
Like a burnt out tree stump, wearing a crown of moss to hide the charred and smoking ruin inside.
I wear a smile like a camouflage.
To hide from the world that even though I am moving forwards,
My heart is wracked by the pain of loss,
Wreathed in the torment of memories.
Memories have always been my most important possession,
And my utter destruction.
Memories of the future we had planned,
Memories of the family we wanted.
Memories of being together,
Facing the world and coming out stronger.
Memories of memories passed,
Holding hands on the beach,
Traveling to France.
Memories that serve only as a crown of thorns upon my head.
A christ-like mockery of love now one-sided.
Knowing that they are out there,
Knowing that in your heart,
You want to be out there with them.
Knowing that your love now has no purpose.
Because it is no longer wanted.
No longer meaningful.
Loki was right,
“Love is a dagger, beautiful to look at, but when you reach for it…. Gone”.
I am so caught between wanting to progress my life,
And wanting it all to end.
Like some farcical tragedy.
As if Shakespeare wrote a play just for me,
And I have to fucking live it out.
I wish the asshole had just run out of paper.
Something broke inside of me a long time ago,
But she helped me tape over the cracks.
Her love felt like the glue that I needed to realise that I could be whole again.
Imagine how a heart feels when you tear out the glue keeping it together…
Imagine the scars left where it was removed,
Not surgically,
But forcefully.
Whether that was the intention or not.
I have fought back against the darkness inside me for so long.
I have fought against my pain for too many years.
I am sick of fighting every single day just to believe that my pain is not my fault.
And I want this pain to end.
But it doesn’t.
It never does.
I will always love you.
That is who I am.
Yes it is stupid. Crazy. Insane.
But that is love for me.
There is no rationality when it comes to how I feel about someone.
There is no off switch.
No matter how much it destroys me,
I will continue to love you.
Because if I could give up,
That wouldn’t be love.
Not to me.
That would be some disposable thing,
That is not worth fighting for.